you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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