All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
