I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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