Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
