how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
