: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We got so high we made milksteak
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
