you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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