My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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