at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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