I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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