Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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