my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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