Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
