I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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