i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
