Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
