so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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