That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
