that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
