booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
