I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
