Soap is not a condiment
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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