I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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