I must be too annoying 4 u.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I AM VODKA MAN
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
