I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize