Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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