I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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