you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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