someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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