I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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