dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
