This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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