Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
