how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I am available for nakedness
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
