I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
