I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
