somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
