I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
