my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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