Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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