I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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