I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
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