I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
