I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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