Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
