The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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