I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
