Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
