Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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