I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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