Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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