Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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