youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
