can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
