I will die if light touches me.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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