just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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