my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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