I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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