I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
