my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
