Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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