Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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