why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
