I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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