She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
