3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
